Funbags and the Mysterious Vibrator

The first time I met coworker code name “Funbags” she had a sore neck. My thought was, I can see why…if I was lugging those melons around I’d probably have a sore neck too. Funbags, however, is anything but fun. She’s a prim and proper woman, every hair in place, washes her car twice a day, and speaks in proper old English. Ok, I made that last part up. However, she never smiles and reminds me of somebody that might utter the phrase, “Art thou working on the TPS reports as I commanded?”

So on the day in question, I was working with several others in a conference room. Funbags seemed to have a problem with her purse. Several times over the course of several minutes she’d break from her laptop to zip open her purse, look inside, grumble, and close it back up. I really didn’t think much of it. But the stress must have been getting to her. The last time she did the check, she blurted…

“Dangit, I keep thinking my vibrator is going off!”

I was standing behind her and wished I could have turned and looked directly into a camera, half smiled, and raised my eyebrows in a Jim Halpert expression (from ‘The Office’). You know, the look that says “Yes, that really happened and it couldn’t have been scripted better.” But there was no camera…or individual in the room who could appreciate my punctuating look except for me. So I had to not only do the look (which I did), but imagine myself doing it so it could be appreciated and not wasted away.

Meanwhile, Funbags must have suddenly realized what she had said, because she quickly added, “Phone! My phone…the vibrator on my phone!”

Nobody in the room even snickered or smiled…that I saw, which is horribly sad. I tried to invite laughter, I looked around with a grin saying and raised eyebrows (come on people, that was hilarious!). But nobody wanted to take on Funbags and risk her response...

“Wipest thou that snicker offeth thine rodent face you bumbling idiot!”

But I was standing behind her and thus, my snicker was safe for her prying eyes. I’ve run into her a few times since and would so love to ask if she ever was able to get her vibrator under control. That, however, would be my last day at work…so until I get a better job, I’ll keep my mouth thus tightly shut.